Really Bad Jokes

Electrical Crime

A person was playing with electricity. He poured salt into a bowl of water and placed a high-voltage battery in the water. He placed his fingers in the water and was immediately arrested. Why?

He was charged with a salt and battery.

Divorce Court

A man and his wife were in divorce court, each fighting for their child. The wife told a fake story about how the husband was an unfit father, and the man got so angry that he emptied a bowl of trifle all over her, right there in the court room.

She got custardy.

Unimportant Elephant

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

Two Fish

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "You drive, I'll man the guns."

Pun Contest

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Oblivious

A man walks into a bar. He said, "Ouch."

Chicken Coop

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Broken Pencil

Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil?

No? Oh well. There's no point to it, anyway.

Two Muffins

Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?"

The other muffin says, "Aaahhh! A talking muffin!"

Pink Cadillacs

If everyone in America started driving pink Cadillacs, what would you have?

A pink car nation.

Heavy Thrones

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Twice as Oblivious

Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

Lonely Skeleton

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

He had no body to go with.

Smelly Paint

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Colorful Elephants

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a red elephant?
Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a purple elephant?
Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?

Disruptive Panda

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, and then draws a gun and fires two shots into the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a poorly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Musical Mayhem

The Boston Symphony recently performed Beethoven's Ninth symphony which is a wonderful piece that has a part near the end in which the bass violins do nothing. So, the bassists snuck offstage, out the backdoor, and next door to the local pub for a drink.

After quickly gulping down a few stiff drinks, one of them checked his watch and said, "Oh no, we only have 30 seconds to get back!"

Another bassist said, "Don't worry, I tied the last page of the conductor's score down with string to give us a bit more time. We'll be fine."

So, they staggered and stumbled back into the concert hall and took their places just as the conductor was busily working on the knot in the string so he could finish the symphony.

Someone in the audience asked his companion, "What's going on? Is there a problem?"

His companion said, "This is a critical point - it's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded!"